A colleague of mine just went through a terrible loss. After waiting many years for God to grant her a child, she finally delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy about a month ago, but God took him away after only 10 days. She withdrew from friends and family, and is only now tentatively reaching out to seek others with similar experiences. If you or anyone you know has suffered the loss of an infant, please share your story with her. Perhaps my friend Joanna can get some strength from you and learn how to carry on. You can write to her at aydenhansen[at]gmail.com

Read her mail:

The past weeks have come and gone without me as I still feel I am living in a terrible dream. Every moment of everyday is another moment without my beautiful baby Ayden. If I could give up my life for him I would, I know there is nothing that I wouldn’t have given up for him. It’s as if my life stopped the day he passed, he took my heart with him and it will never be the same again.

On 2nd May 2009, Ayden was born at 37 weeks after a completely normal pregnancy. He weighed 3.24 kg and was absolutely beautiful. When he was 4 days old, he was given 2 days of phototherapy due to jaundice and we were told he was perfectly fine. When he was 9 days old, he suddenly turned pale and was rushed to the hospital and admitted into NICU. 24 hours later, my baby passed away. This was one month ago.

All tests for infection and metabolism have come back negative and we are still trying to cope with his loss, let alone the reason for his passing. The doctors have debated over this and are unable to give us a reason. Unlike SIDS, Ayden was less than a month old and deteriorated very rapidly despite the various medical interventions administered.

Words cannot express the sorrow and pain we are enduring, there is not a minute that goes by that I do not yearn for him. The most difficult part is the not knowing. I guess I am writing this so I would not have to go into reliving the horror every time someone asks “what happened?” While we appreciate everyone’s concern and we understand they mean well, nothing anyone does or says will change things or bring him back. We are left to pick up the shattered pieces of our hearts and continue our lives without him.

When we left the hospital, we had nowhere to turn to. There were no support groups or information given on situations like ours despite our requests for it. We were hopelessly left alone to deal with our grief. All I wanted was to talk to someone who had gone through a similar experience, to tell me I will be ok, to understand my grief. I managed to find help through an online support group by people who have all walked down this path. It was heartbreaking that this had happened to so many people, but also comforting that many of them have continued to have perfectly healthy children afterwards.

In memory of Ayden and the lack of information and unavailability of a support group in Malaysia, we would like to appeal for your help. We do not know anyone else who has experienced such a tragedy, but to ensure that other families going through this horrible experience will not have to go through it alone, we will greatly appreciate if you can inform the people you may know who have travelled this road to get in touch with us, if they are willing. They can write to us at aydenhansen[at]gmail.com.

Hugs,

Jo and Sune.

The number of forest fires raging in Indonesia’s Sumatra island has increased, with wind blowing choking smoke over parts of Malaysia and slashing visibility.

The fires are a regular occurrence during the dry season in areas such as Sumatra and Borneo, but the situation has deteriorated in the last decade, with timber and plantation firms often blamed for deliberately starting fires to clear land.

The worst haze hit in 1997-98, when drought caused by the El Nino weather phenomenon led to major Indonesian fires. The smoke spread to Singapore, Malaysia and south Thailand and cost more than US$9 billion (RM31.55 billion) in damage to tourism, transport and farming.

Risks for another bad period appear to have risen with the prospect of a return of El Nino this year.

47 hotspots were recorded in Riau province in Sumatra yesterday based on satellite surveillance, and temperatures were abnormally high at 35°C (95°F).

The haze is likely to remain a threat until August at least. The rainy season usually begins in September.

Wind had blown the haze over Malaysia, but no flights had been cancelled so far, with visibility of 6,000 meters, above the minimum to allow flights of 1,000 meters.

In Malaysia, the haze had reduced visibility in some areas surrounding the capital Kuala Lumpur to as low as 5,000 meters. Two out of 51 areas in the country recorded air readings that were unhealthy.

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Gender based violence is violence which occurs between men and women in relationships, in the home, at the workplace and in the community. Gender violence is about power and control. It takes the form of physical, emotional, sexual, or economic abuse, e.g. rape, domestic violence, sexual harassment. It creates fear, breaks down self-esteem, makes people do things they don’t want to do, limits behavior and movement and it physically harms.

Gender based violence occurs in all racial, clan, religious, ethnic and political groups. Generally there is a focus on the abuse of women by men; whilst incidents of violence against men do occur (and domestic abuse within same sex relationships), violence against women is more common and usually more severe.

Not all women and men are victims or abusers. However, when a man does abuse a woman, families, friends and the communities often fail to condemn this act of violence. By doing nothing they are passive accomplices and allow perpetrators to continue in the belief that they have the right to abuse their partners.

Physical violence

Physical violence occurs when someone uses or threatens to use physical harm to attack another person. Examples include kicking, slapping, restraint (preventing someone from leaving), punching, choking, striking with an object or striking with a weapon.

1. In general men are violent and women suffer from their violence.
2. Violence is often viewed by one or both partners as an indication of love, especially if it is seen as an expression of jealousy. However this form of violence is actually about power and control, not love.
3. The pressure to be dating can be powerful for young people. Many survivors of dating violence may believe that having an abusive partner is better than having none at all.
4. Between 1 in 6 and 1 in 4 women are regularly abused by their partner.

Emotional violence

Emotional violence may involve intimidating, insulting, humiliating, restricting who someone talks to or spends time with, isolating her/him from friends and family or other expressions of extreme jealousy.

Emotional abuse involves objectification, i.e. viewing someone as an object that you own rather than as a human being with feelings and basic human rights.

1. It is often difficult to recognize emotional violence because the injuries are internal and thus not visible.
2. For many women, emotional violence may be the most painful, humiliating and damaging aspect of an abusive relationship, as it damages one’s self-esteem and often takes a long time to heal.
3. A woman who suffers verbal abuse may be brainwashed into believing that the negative things that her partner says about her are true (e.g. that no other man will have her, that she is a whore/ugly/stupid).

Sexual violence

Sexual violence may involve rape, unwanted sexual touching or being forced into humiliating sexual activities. Force or the threat of force is often used to gain control over the victim. Often, when a sexual assault occurs, the other types of abuse mentioned above occur as well.

1. Sexual harassment, degrading sexist jokes and name-calling are linked to, and often a precursor to, physical and sexual violence as these forms of abuse show a lack of respect for the rights of women.
2. Survivors of sexual violence are more likely to report the crime if it is committed by a stranger than by someone they know.
3. Many women who have been forced to have sex while on a date or in a relationship do not identify this as rape.
4. Male survivors are often reluctant to report sexual attacks because of the fear of being ridiculed or being perceived as homosexual.
5. Peer pressure can put pressure on young people to have sex and lead to date rape.

Economic abuse

Economic abuse involves using money to undermine a woman’s rights, e.g. withholding money, questioning what she does with her money, denying medical aid, destroying property in the home whenever there is a disagreement.

1. Economic dependency is one of the main barriers to leaving an abusive relationship.

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Knowing someone who lost a job, due to a layoff or other reasons, can be difficult. As a friend or family member, you may want to do everything to help. As a coworker, you may also have feelings of guilt or remorse. Regardless of your feelings, you can provide the necessary support for that important person in your life.

What he may be feeling

You may be surprised that you don’t know how to react to your friend or coworker’s job loss. Understand that he may or may not expect you to help him. In thinking about what to do, keep the following in mind:

1. Allow the person who lost his job to handle the awkwardness of the situation on his own terms. He may reach out to you letting you know he’s “OK” and that it is “OK” to talk about the job loss process.
2. Keep in mind that he has nothing to be ashamed of and neither should you as a relative, friend, or coworker.
3. As a coworker, there may be tension in your relationship that didn’t exist before. This is normal; don’t take his reaction to you personally.
4. You may want reassurance that the individual and his family are coping as well as possible given the circumstances. Temper your concern and don’t pry needlessly or provide unsolicited advice.
5. The individual who lost his job will experience various stages of grief and anger. Allow him to move through these stages. He may “want a little space” to work things out. Be respectful of his wishes.

When you’re left behind

It’s difficult when someone you’re close to loses her job. It’s even more difficult when that person is a colleague with whom you work. Like she has, you will go through a variety of emotions. You may ask yourself:

1. “Am I next?”
2. “Should I feel guilty that I’m happy that I didn’t lose my job?”
3. “What if I have to do more work now?”
4. “Will she still be my friend?”

These feelings of anxiety, guilt, and fear are normal. Don’t discount your feelings or ignore them; chances are others in your work unit feel the same way. Reach out to someone you know you can trust and discuss your feelings. Maybe there are common issues that others in the work unit are feeling.

What you can do to help

Assist the individual throughout the re-employment process by providing job leads, encouragement, humor, and fellowship.

1. Recognize that you are likely to progress through similar stages of denial, anger, sadness, and ultimately, acceptance as the person who was laid off. Until the person who lost her job gets to acceptance stage, there is little you can do beyond just being there.
2. Spread the word about your loved one’s job loss tactfully among close family and friends. You may be reluctant or unsure how to do this, but it’s important for others to know, so they can provide valuable help and support as well.
3. Encourage the individual to stay involved with family, friends, professional associations, hobbies, etc. Don’t let her embarrassment about the layoff lead to unhealthy isolation.
4. Work with her to make sure she understands what she needs to do before leaving her position, such as accounting for unused vacation pay, expense reimbursement, and so forth. Make sure she meets any deadlines for continuing health insurance coverage, rolling over retirement monies, or filing for unemployment.
5. Offer to help with the job search, and then back off. You may be understandably concerned about her personal financial situation, but pressuring someone who is already pressuring herself is unproductive, at best.
6. Be alert for signs of depression if your loved one’s unemployment persists beyond a month or two. Eating, drinking, or sleeping too much or too little, along with a consistently depressed mood, may be signs she needs more help than you can provide.

I knew how it feels of being laid off. How about you?

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